An interesting recurring thought has crept into my consciousness lately—that sometimes there is more pain in resisting sorrow and grief and acknowledgement of loss than in feeling it. That’s a challenging concept in today’s world. In the United States at least, we’re so steeped in the ethos of positive thinking and the pursuit of happiness that we try to avoid pain and be happy all the time. Certainly, that’s probably why most people try flower essences—because they often get that relief. But not always. Some things can’t be made alright. They say you never get over the death of a child or the love of your life. From what I can tell, you probably don’t get over losing a beloved home or country either. And yet, we all go through deep losses, and you sometimes have to find a way to live with that pain.
Yes, I said “live with”—but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer in agony for the rest of your life. It’s more about moving into a place of acceptance of the grief and sorrow of these losses instead of resisting the pain or resisting letting go of it. (Letting go of the pain is like letting go of the person—which is the pain you really don’t want to feel. Human beings are complex.)
It feels a little challenging for me to explain the solution, so I’ll share a personal experience. Throughout my childhood and into my mid-twenties, I suffered with a stomach ulcer and, later, what is best described as chronic or recurring gastroenteritis. Today we would treat that with antibiotics, but that was not the approach offered when I was young. Sometimes, this would get so bad I felt chained to a bathroom all day but, eventually, I hit upon a coping mechanism that helped. I knew that birthing mothers are taught to breathe into the pain so I tried that for myself. Breathing into is the opposite of resisting and trying not to feel something. Instead you focus on what hurts and breathe into it—in my case, by allowing my belly to expand with each breath. Trust me, this felt counterintuitive when my stomach muscles were clutching with all their might, but it worked. It didn’t heal the problem, but it made the pain more manageable and helped me live with it until I found the healing I needed many years later.
I was wondering what flower essence might help with that, and as often happens in my life, a suggestion showed up in the form of an email. This time it was from the Flower Essence Society about Love-Lies-Bleeding. Co-founder Patricia Kaminski shared an interesting video about this flower with a focus on its signature of surrendering to the earth. The flower stocks bend and the flower catkins droop until they eventually rest on the ground. The flower essence is typically used in times of great sorrow and loss, especially when that is combined with feeling isolated and alone in the world. But what Patricia focussed on was the concept of surrender, of giving in to the reality of what has happened.
I’ve been struggling for many years now with the loss of my home near the beach in Santa Cruz. I thought I would have overcome that by now by saving or making enough money to move back. But instead the cost of housing in that location went spiraling out of control and the moderately-sized 3 bedroom house I used to live in is now worth at least $1.5 million. There’s nothing to rent or buy in that location that is remotely affordable and there’s no going back.
I’ve worked on this in a variety of ways over the years, including using flower essences, but not with Love-Lies-Bleeding. So, as much as I did not want to have to focus on my feelings about this again, I thought why not give it a try? So I did, and the experience was interesting. I was open to feeling and letting go of my grief—and I thought that’s what this flower essence was about—but that’s not what I experienced in this situation.
The first sensation was one of grounding, a feeling of being held lower in my body—held on the planet and not in my mind. And also a feeling of just being with what is. Part of me wondered if I should “let myself feel my sadness” but that didn’t seem appropriate when I looked around and noticed not just what was missing but what is still here. And what about my fears? That didn’t seem appropriate either. In the present moment I was in a comfortable room with a pleasant light breeze coming in the window. I had just gotten up from a very pleasant nap. Earlier in the evening, while it was still light, Paul and I had gone for a walk and I noticed the beauty of the autumn leaves on the trees in our apartment complex and the perfect temperature we love so much at this time of year. And that good feeling was still present with me. My life is not all good—I’m not at the beach! But it’s not all bad. In fact, that present moment, here in this room I’m writing in now, was not bad at all.
Did I feel happy? No. But I don’t HAVE to be happy all the time. In that present moment and in this one is joy AND sorrow. I am well aware of the horror stories going on in the world. And I know what I have lost. So the simple pleasures of life are juxtaposed with all of that. The present moment holds it all. And I was holding it all—aware of it all and not narrowing my perspective to only what causes me pain. It was like transcending my personal sad story to take in a wider perspective. And that perspective held much more than my personal sorrow and disappointment and much more than just pain. It was also current day comfort and current day joys.
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Flower essences are used to assist with mind-body-spirit interactions and individual results may vary. They are extremely dilute which makes them quite safe. But because so little physical substance can be detected in a flower essence solution, these products are presumed to work on an energetic or vibrational level—something that cannot be adequately tested by western scientific methods. Claims made by me, therefore, are based on personal experiences and the evidence of the combined multiple decades of case notes by Dr. Edward Bach as well as Healing Herbs and Flower Essence Services (the companies who make the ingredients I use in my products). This is not, however, accepted medical evidence or substantiated scientific evidence from a modern allopathic point of view. I am not a medical doctor or licensed healthcare practitioner.
Statements made have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. The information provided on my blog, websites or by this company are not a substitute for a face-to-face consultation with a health care provider, and should not be construed as individual medical or mental health advice. Consulting with a health care provider is a must for anyone taking medications or working with a medical or mental health condition, and highly recommended before using any herbal product. Please consult your doctor or health care provider for any possible contraindications and/or interactions with current medications. I trust you to seek the medical guidance you need to use any of my herbal products healthily at your own risk.